JUST JOKES OVERNIGHT #1

I read on the book called ‘The Bumper Book of Rude & Politically Incorrect Jokes” by Allan Pease. It bumped me on the laugh all night. He’s crazy jokes was steering me to ‘hard-shut-mouth’. His energetic writing was so amazing. But this jokes is kind of ‘adult’ purpose in particular. A lot of ‘rude’ and ‘porn’ meaning were presented on the book right away. Just read the book and don’t take it too deep. He’s just been reflecting his mind to the good purposes. He want you and me to laugh a lot. Yes, he’s diverting the hypocrite worlds to the good instrument. He’s really rock!!!

I will present some of the pages of his book….Here we go

What’s a Lesbian? Just another woman trying to do a man’s job.

How can you avoid AIDS? Sit tight and keep your mouth shut.

Why do women fake orgasm? Because they think men care

Why don’t men fake orgasm? Because no man would pull those faces on purposes

What’s the difference between getting piles and breaking off an engagement to a blonde women? When the piles clear up you get your ring back

What’s the difference between a blonde and a fridge? A fridge doesn’t fart when you take your meat out.

Why is it called Rap Music? Because the “C” fell off at the printer —–>CRap

What’s the difference between a used car tyre and one thousand used condoms? One’s a Goodyear and the other’s a f*****g good year.

Why don’t government employees look out the window in the morning? Because they’d have nothing to do after lunch.

Rules For Good Diet

  1. If you eat something and no-one sees you eat it, it has no calories
  2. If you drink a diet soft drink when eating chocolate, the diet soft drink cancels out any calories in the chocolate
  3. When eating with someone else, your calories don’t count if you eat less than they do
  4. Calories in food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count e.g hot chocolate, brandy, etc
  5. Movie-related foods do not add calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package. e.g. Jaffas, buttered popcorn, Minties, etc
  6. Biscuit pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage
  7. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something because calories only become part of the complete meal when it is cooked, e.g ice cream off a spoon, icing off a knife etc.
  8. Foods that have the same colour have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate

Who’s The Boss?

When God made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss. The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took the man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss.

The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. They eyes said that without them, man would be helpless,  so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the asshole became mad and closed up. After a few days the brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole boss. This proves that you don’t have to be a brain to be boss….just an asshole.

What’s similarity with a mobile telephone and a clitoris? Both turn on with the touch of a finger and every cunt’s got one

What is a Cat?

  1. Cats do what they want
  2. They rarely listen to you
  3. they’re totally unpredictable
  4. When you want to play, they want to be alone
  5. When you want to be alone, they want to play
  6. They expect you to cater to their every whim
  7. They’re moody
  8. They leave hair everywhere

Conclusion : Cats are tiny women in little fur coats

What is a Dog?

  1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house
  2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room
  3. They can look dumb and loveable all at the same time
  4. They growl when they’re not happy
  5. When you want to play, they want to be alone
  6. When you want to be alone, they want to play
  7. They leave their toys everywhere
  8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss
  9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you

Conclusion : Dogs are tiny men in little fur coats

Marriage

For all those men who say about marriage…”why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”, here’s an update for you. Today, 80% of women are against getting married because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

If you’re man, don’t get married. Find a woman you hate with two kids, buy her a house and car and give her a cheque every week, then go and live with your parents. It’s a lot easier and saves time.

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my beautiful, sexy, young wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to the Arrow Bar and picks up men. In fact, she goes to bed with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy, What do you think I should do? “Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is the Arrow Bar?”

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the palls bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, “Watch that wall!”

Why are married women usually heavier that single women? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They’re all married

What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one more man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

How do you stop a man from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder to ‘instruction manual’.

What’s the difference between girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds

What’s the difference between boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart? Through his chest with a very sharp knife.

Well, Mr. Smithy. I’ve got good news and bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” “Well, we’ve amputated the wrong leg.” “What! So, what’s the good news?” “Your bad leg is getting better.”

There are a lot of crap story on his book. I’ll get to you for the #2….Night mates!!!!

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